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How Do I Love Thee?

The real deal on relationships, love and sex



Relationships can be tricky things, especially for those who are clueless about love and sex – and let’s be honest, most of us have been there at one time or another. Armour up on amore with advice from Singapore’s ‘sex-pert’, Dr Martha Tara Lee, Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching.



In the Bro-zone

I am a female in my late 20’s. I think I’m fairly good-looking and well-groomed, speak well and have a nice personality. I have been interested in several guys but they always seem to treat me as a ‘brother’. Why do I keep getting ‘bro-zoned’? How can I make myself more attractive to them so they treat me as a girl?

  • Lonely Girl

Dr Lee says:

You may wish to get some honest feedback from trusted family and friends, especially your female ones, on the physical as well as energetic impression they have of you. They may be able to give suggestions that you wouldn’t think of yourself. Our energetic presence is more than how we look; it is about the overall impression we give. For instance, one may be trying to look confident, but come across as arrogant, guarded or defensive.

How comfortable are you with your sexuality? How comfortable are you with owning and amplifying your sexiness in the presence of men? I’d like to suggest attending one of my Art of Feminine Presence classes for women – whether a preview, weekly or full day class – to learn to heighten and master your unique feminine essence.

RosesHubby’s a Shy Guy 

I’m quite sexually adventurous but my husband’s the shy type. He doesn’t have issues with his body, he’s just uncomfortable trying new things. We’ve been married for close to two years and sex is almost always the same. How can I persuade him to let loose a little?

  • Raring to Go

Dr Lee says:

Before trying to persuade him to do anything, have you tried talking with him about your sexual desires? Have you ever given him any feedback after sex? Are you able to discuss sex outside of the bedroom? ‘Shy’ is often a label one partner puts on the other, without even really trying to communicate. Assumptions, second guessing and sweeping statements about what your partner is always like can be damaging in the long run. The more you communicate about sex without guilt, shame or embarrassment, the better your sex life is likely to be.

If he is not comfortable, let it start with you. Be patient. Just share a little bit each time after sex about how you felt and what else you would like to try, and leave it there. When he feels safe and comfortable talking about sex with you, he is more likely to ask for what he needs, wants and desires, and also make his own suggestions. Perhaps your openness is more than his, but it may not mean he isn’t open at all. Things can evolve over time.

Fighting over Oral Sex

My girlfriend doesn’t like to perform oral sex even though she knows it really arouses me. We’ve fought over this. I don’t want to pressure her but our sex life is boring. What can I do?

  • Bored Benjy

Dr Lee says:

There are many ways to have an interesting sex life. How about exploring things she is comfortable with, instead of forcing her to do something that she doesn’t like? Have you tried asking her why she doesn’t like performing oral sex, as well as what you could do to help her be more comfortable with giving oral sex if she wants to? Sometimes, it can be as simple as not knowing what to do, feeling tired, or thinking your penis doesn’t smell good after a long’s day work. When you can let go of your need for her to do something exciting (for you, and not necessarily for her), things may change. You can suggest that she come to one of my sexual techniques workshop (yes, I do run oral sex workshops for women).

Wedding Night Jitters

I’m about to get married. I’m a virgin but my husband-to-be has some sexual experience. He’s assured me many times but I’m still nervous about my wedding night! What if he thinks I don’t measure up to his ex-girlfriends?

  • Virginie

Dr Lee says:

Rather than worrying about what his ex-girlfriends were like, how about acknowledging that he has chosen to be with you? He is marrying you, not any of them, and obviously, since he is willing to marry a virgin, sex is not the most important thing in a relationship to him. Your worrying may essentially ruin a special time in your life that you should be looking forward to. First-time sex is often not mind-blowing, and it almost always gets much, much better with time. You have a lifetime of exploration, intimacy and great sex to look forward to. Focus on being in the moment and cherish each other, rather than try to control how he thinks – which you can’t do anyway.

Posted by ezyhealth on Feb 3 2015. Filed under Ask the Expert. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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