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I’m Just Not Feeling It

Psychological barriers to sex

Conflict in bedroomYour sex life has hit a dry spell! The two of you are not arguing. It’s not the kids. You have household support. It’s not a physical problem – both of you are fit, healthy, and getting enough sleep. So what gives?

These are some things you can look out for:

  • Stress and anxiety – This can stem from work, daily life, relationships or family problems. Irrespective of the causes, the human body reacts to stress instinctively, somewhat like the ‘fight or flight’ response. During this process, our body releases hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine into the bloodstream. Prolonged stress can lead to chronic stress problems, possibly affecting one’s interest in sex.
  • Emotional undercurrents – What is really going on in your relationship? Are you able to communicate well outside the bedroom? Have you been having the same arguments over and over, with no solution in sight? This could deplete the sense of goodwill and kill the love and romance in your relationship. How you feel about your partner may affect your sexual drive – and your desire to be intimate.
  • Sexual attitude – Your beliefs about sex – what is ‘normal’, ‘proper’, ‘expected’ or even ‘age-appropriate’ – can alter your sex drive. How comfortable are you with sex? Are there certain sexual acts you would never perform? Why? Can you talk about sex openly, and ask for what you want in bed? Your attitude towards sex before and after marriage, and pre- or post-children, affects your sexual behaviour.
  • Bedroom boredom – Has sex become a chore or too routine for your liking? Are you just ‘going through the motions’? Do you long for more time for romance? Are you able to attain orgasms consistently, or persistently feel pressure to have one? A lack of authentic emotional connection and pleasure can short-circuit the flames between your thighs. What would make sex better for you?


  • Other factors – Do you have a tyrant boss, uncooperative colleagues or abusive work environment? Could you be depressed? The effects of burning the midnight oil, irregular exercise, and unhealthy diet (too much oil, fat and sugars) accumulate. You can feel better immediately by eating healthily, getting moderate exercise and having sufficient rest.

Have you discovered the real issue behind your lack of sex now? Communicate honestly with your partner, and ask for support. You may need to negotiate or compromise on what you are willing to do sexually. You are the other 50% in the relationship, and you can make sex better by implementing some changes. Honestly explore what would make sex better for you, and own your sexuality.

Get your Sexy Back!Valentines day. Abstract paper hearts. Love

  1. Have a long bath together with your dearest, especially if you enjoy being in or around water.
  2. Go green. Go for a walk together. Leafy environments soothe our minds and are good for our bodies as trees and bushes generate oxygen and soak up carbon dioxide.
  3. You may not have the desire for penetrative sex. How about a hand job?
  4. Touch more. Touching and cuddling make sex more likely to happen. Even if it doesn’t happen, touching strengthens relationships by helping couples feel connected.
  5. Do it anyway. An orgasm will help you relax, sleep better and remove the knots of tension from your head and shoulders.
  6. Divide and conquer. In a busy household, chores may be left to just before bedtime. Speed things up by chipping in where possible, so there is more time for physical intimacy.
Dr Martha Tara Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore ( She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) and certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She provides sexuality coaching and workshops and speaks at public events.
Posted by ezyhealth on Apr 1 2015. Filed under Regulars. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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